|i wish i wish i wish|

there are 27 days until the boards. i am in a deep funk, cycling between manic studying and desperate avoidance of studying. i know that avoiding studying will not help me pass the exam -it will only make me feel much worse, and i'm not sure why i suddenly feel the urge to clean the back of the stove... maybe to get my mind off the test. except that maybe the best way to get my mind off the test is to get my brain into it. i feel so disorganized and helpless when large exams loom.

i can't sleep at night -which is made worse by matt being out of town. usually, if he wraps his arms around me, i can sleep.

in spite of not being able to fall asleep at night, i wake up in the wee hours of the morning and cogitate about the exam.

i set a schedule, but can't keep to it, which discourages me from setting schedules. i get lost in details, berate myself, and then wonder if that particular detail might be on the exam.

but, somehow, in the middle of this stressball-headcase, i crave matt and madeline more than ever. i can see how blessed i am. matt has been amazing, in spite of the stresses associated with his job and the economy right now. he left on tuesday, but on monday night, he made sure the garbage was taken out and that large boxes were moved out of the living room. his mind is here, with us and with taking care of us. i love him for that.

the number of lottery tickets purchased correlates with the proximity of large exams and increased stress. i stopped at giant this morning after dropping off madeline at daycare. there was corn on sale, and madeline loves corn (we all do! what's not to love!). on my way out, i stopped by the liquor store to buy a lotto ticket. it wasn't open, yet. i guess i won't be winning the lottery this week. wouldn't it be great if something like that could just come swoop in and save me from all this stress?

there is a ot of studying left to be done.

|more|

so, i have been wishing for more time with my family. more time to be free. i envy the people with normal jobs.

i have this day-by-day calendar that matt bought for me. i asked for a self-help or inspirational calendar this year. it has been really good to me. it's the seven habits of highly effective people. mostly, it talks about how to be proactive and not reactive. i have been thinking about this a lot. there is a lot of nurture and nature that needs to be changed in me. i have a lot to work on.

i have been logging some thoughts in a notebook. i am learning to open my eyes to things that i didn't see before. there are signs all around me.

one day, the calendar said to look at people as potential. i liked that a lot.

|28 days|

i am having my lunch break at the library, right now. pork shoulder sandwich. it smells like matt. i mean, it reminds me of him. because he smoked the pork shoulder over the weekend. i miss him.

when he is out of town, like now, i really appreciate how much he does around the house, and with madeline. these days, he pretty much takes care of everything since i'm always hiding out and studying.

madeline:
-wants to wear a dress every single day
-loves the color blue
-loves school buses (way more than regular buses)
-loves apples
-loves sue, but not sarah
-loves her new "baby sloop" (bathing suit)
-loves to play tea party

i would really like to pass this test and be done with the anxiety, already.

Time flies! We are still both employed for the time being.

We have settled into our work/study/play routines as best we can. The boards are looming. I should have a date by the end of the month.

Madeline is growing! She become a toddler one day. It is great.

|the shoe is on the other foot|

matt is working late tonight. he made an appearance for a shovel-into-gullet dinner and kisses for madeline before he disappeared into the dark night.

i put madeline to bed myself tonight, which is a rare occurrence. when i kissed her goodnight, she asked for "da-da" and looked all around. i told her that he loved her and he would see her tomorrow. the shoe is on the other foot.

before matt left us, he said, "now you know how i feel, all those saturdays and weeknights." i suppose i do; it is lonely without a partner.

normally, i rely on matt a great deal. in preparation for boards, i study at the library on saturdays from 10am-5pm. and i meet my study group one weeknight each week, after work. on the other nights, i have been working much harder to get home by 6pm; i am proud of that. matt has been holding us together with little complaint. he is amazing with madeline, and she adores him. adores him. in return, i promised them my sundays -to cook, and clean, and shop, and pay attention to them. and i promised them i would pass my boards. balance.

but we have a new problem on our hands... matt is worried about the economy, and his company laid off right before the holidays. there's no sense of security that it won't happen again. and soon. so his team is working hard on a demo tonight, hoping to secure a contract, and their jobs -for at least a few more months.

he's been working late a lot, recently. i've been leaving work earlier to pick up from daycare. right now, it's a 1 hour and 10 minute commute. (fortunately, work is very flexible this month.) i love the extra time i get with madeline. the more time i spend with her, the more she consumes me....

i am thankful that we had a happy holiday season instead of spending it job-hunting in a lousy market. i hope that things turn around soon, for everybody's sakes. adult worries suck. and there are lots of people worse off than us. at least if matt loses his job, and can't find a new one (i know, worst case scenario), we have the hope that in another 18 months, i will be able to get a real job (at last!) and cover our bills.

clearly, i am not optimistic about the economy. it is broken on such a fundamental level. but we'll be ok. (assuming i get a job, right?)

madeline's latest things:
-eating her feet
-playing "boo" around the corner
-understanding being scolded, and getting weepy over it
-soup ("zoop")
-dragging all her toys around in her musical wagon
-chocolate cookies after dinner, every night
-kissing her dora-baby-doll

she's the greatest kid ever. i know lots of people have said that about their kids, but they were all wrong. madeline is the greatest.

|defiling magnet poetry|

guess who managed to turn magnet poetry into this?

i was surprised; i didn't think you could make anything dirty out of the words we had, but this showed up on the fridge.

the good news is that he still likes them, after all they have been through.

btw, the recipe is for a nice pesto.

|define me|

one more thought. i really envy people who have free time. i mean, really. people who have hobbies. people who have identities. people who have time to read or enjoy music for leisure. people who have leisure.

i want to give matt time, but i cannot. he is essential to the functioning of our household. he does daycare pickup and drop off. he is home evenings with madeline and puts her to bed if i am not there. he is consistent.

i wanted to sign him up for fencing or kung fu to give him free time (and health). but he is as trapped by my schedule as i am. how do we achieve better balance -more time?