|those cheeks!|

things i like: when someone hides around the corner and yells "boo!" to scare me. fresh bananas. puffs. feeding myself. kisses from mom and dad. long walks. milk! standing. kitty. the other kitty. smacking things with the palm of my hand. balmex. pig in a blanket. flat bear. wind in my face. sucking in my face. peek a boo. books and papers, especially cards. squealing. touching my hair. sticking my finger in my ear.

|may|

today, i hung out in my jammies, chased the cats, looked at plants at home depot, and visited the grandparents. grandma made me congee, which i really like. i crawled around a lot, and stood a few times. i bumped my head twice, and cried a little bit. grandma and grandpa got me some new toys, which i really like. one is a finger pupper glove!

today is a good day.

|not enough time|

tell me how people do it... how do people have enough time in a day?

if i had more time, would i waste it? probably. but at least a percentage of that extra time would go to being more productive.

and what is this obsession with being productive, anyway? why can't i just be happy without productivity? i over-complicate things.

madeline has great big smiles for me. i am torn everyday by the pressure to stop pumping and my need to make her milk. it's a very strange feeling. it is maybe a little silly. there will be other food and drink for her. i feel a great deal of satisfaction in giving her what i can. i think it is hard to let that go. i'm not even nursing her, but i can imagine that would be hard for a lot of moms. (we stopped nursing because of schedules and work, and then a biting incident.) i guess i just had it in my head that i would pump for a year. but i guess it is better to stop now.

i am realizing that satisfaction at work is very hard to find. i don't have much hope for my future job.

my garden isn't started yet. it is getting late.

she is growing so fast. i know i keep saying this, but i am constantly surprised.

today, i was supposed to dedicate myself to writing a paper and finishing a presentation. but i am glad i didn't. instead, madeline got her first haircut! it was probably one of the sweetest things i've seen. she sat on daddy's lap while he distracted her. she didn't mind a bit!

here is a picture before:



her hair has always been a bit unruly... she has this soft wave in it that makes it fly away from her head. as you can see, we've attempted to pin back her bangs. here is the after shot:

now she's ready for her welch's grape juice commercial! she's just showing up her frumpy mommy (who also needs a haircut!).

btw, notice the jeans? jeans on a baby. ha! i can't get over how funny that is. she looks way older than she is. she looks like she's a toddler -should be walking and talking... can you believe she's only 8 months?! she's huge!

we also walked out of the salon with a bottle of paul mitchell baby hair product. it's the first time i've bought paul mitchell anything! it is great how we spend money on her in ways we wouldn't on ourselves.

i need to get a real job and start saving for that pony.

|more than i can chew|

what goes down must come up.

work has taken on a new frenzy for me. i've realized that my boards a only a year away, and the prospect of signing my own cases is frightening.

i've got projects out the rear, and will likely be doing another chief year. it is good to be busy. but i have guilt. at home and at work.

i'm down to two pumps a day! no more dragging the pump into work... no more hiding out, squeezing in private time. no more work interruptions. soon i will be free of it! i'm glad, but i'm so thankful for the success we've had. i am very lucky to have had a strong supply, and to have the opportunity to pump for madeline.

madeline, my sweet, sweet madeline is crawling about. she just wants to touch everything. everything she can get her chubby little hands on. now that the weather has turned us to short-sleeved shirts, we're both looking a bit chubby in the arms... except that she is very cute. i suppose she will slim down when she gets more mobile. same goes for me.

she still loves to eat. we've started some chunkier foods, and some finger foods.

my little secret: i worry about the dumbest things. i worry about her, and matt, and the world. i want to protect her from everything, but that's probably the worst thing to do. i worry about medical things all the time, but it is probably because of the nature of my work. cancer day in and day out... i'm convinced that it's just around the corner. lol.

i feel grounded by them. they are my world.

|so many babies|

the bear in the photo is flat bear 2. i don't know if we'll be able to keep them straight. flat bear 1 went for a holiday in the washer and dryer. now, he is hiding in the closet, resting his ears from madeline's chewing.

i've realized that work is its own little microcosm, full of good and bad. sometimes it is good to step back and see the bigger picture. i no longer doubt that i picked the right fellowship, and i no longer feel tied to my university. having that mindset has lifted a fog from my daily work.

madeline is amazing. she is crawling -getting into everything. she loves to eat. and she is drinking less milk. that's good for me... i'm thinking about drastically reducing pumping at this point. i switched to only once at work this week, which has worked out great. i guess that maybe in the next week or two, i will switch over to only pumping before and after work. i have a decent freezer stash that should take us out a couple more months. it's hard to think of that stash diminishing. i feel emotionally tied to that hoard of milk... it is sustenance and health for my baby. but she is growing up.

i feel sad, lately, that i haven't had hobbies or interests outside of medicine for years. it is hard to find the energy. i wish i had more energy overall. these days, when i have free time, i just want to veg out. i also feel guilty for not reading as much as i should. i find that a lot of my motivations in life are founded in guilt.

i have a lot of resolutions.

- read more. read at least one hour each day outside of work.

- teach more. this goes hand-in-hand with reading more.

- relax. practice being laid back.

- smile.

- spend the rest of my book fund before it expires.

for some reason, i think the solution to my depression about work is to study more. there is something oddly twisted in that. but somehow it works.

|other thoughts|

today i realized that i have been a bit depressed. it was hard to notice, since i'm not depressed at home, or with madeline. (really, how can you be depressed around her gigantic toothy smile?)

but i've been dragging ass at work. i think it's this year's in-service exam that is coming up. i don't feel energized about work. i feel behind where i should be. and i know that a lot of it has to do with becoming a mother in the past year.

i have more to learn and read. there isn't adequate time, anymore. and i have a hard time justifying what to do with my time. be a wife, be a mother, or study. mostly, i've been dropping the studying. but i think that's what has got me depressed, now. somehow i have to balance that again.

and i miss other things. those things that i slowly lost over the years. i miss reading non-medicine (and i don't even read enough medicine!). i'm not sure if i've lost focus or what exactly is wrong. something.

i've been very negative, lately. mostly about myself.

i've been focusing a lot on madeline and matt. they make me feel good inside. i know they are the most important, but obviously there must be something else that i am missing -otherwise i wouldn't feel so lousy (so, i assume it has to do with work, since that's all there is outside of matt and madeline, right?).

there is more to life than love.